As we journey through life, the act of comparing ourselves to others is inevitable. Brené Brown suggests we are neurobiologically wired for comparison – a trait likely tied to our survival instincts. Some forms of comparison are clearly valuable, such as when we check fruit and vegetables to select the freshest or compare our organisational strategies with someone else’s to enhance efficiency. However, in many instances, the natural tendency to compare is more complex and leads us down one of two paths: one of inspiration and growth, or one of self-doubt and frustration. The path we take is influenced by our past experiences, relationships and beliefs about self. For this article, I’ve been inspired to explore the dual sides of comparison and consider how it can be navigated to serve as a source of inspiration and growth.
The Challenges of Comparison
Anyone who has ever struggled to fit in, knows the intense discomfort comparison can create. Its intolerance of difference and diversity exerts a pressure to conform to the majority or dominant voice. Individuality is not welcome here, and as our sense of self-worth and potential diminishes, we may start to place the opinions and preferences of others above our own. Ability, gender, race, sexual orientation and even spirituality are some possible factors in these destructive comparisons. It’s why many of my mediumship students find huge comfort in joining like-minded individuals to learn and share with. It is often the first time they have felt accepted speaking about their intuitive abilities and spirituality.
Empaths and highly sensitive people often describe an internal battle of comparing their needs with the needs of others, usually unfavourably. The emotional toll of sensing the needs and wishes of others so deeply can encourage them to prioritise others’ needs above their own. As an empath and intuitive soul coach, I have both personal and professional experience of transforming this and have identified several factors that can feed this unfair comparison. For example, prioritising others can serve to avoid the negative impact of criticism, disappointment, or frustration, often expressed when we do not meet their expectations or demands. It can also stem from a spiritual misconception that always putting others first is the embodiment of compassion and unconditional love.
As a professional actor in my 20s, comparison was inescapable. My appearance, personality and performance were compared with every other actor by casting directors and directors in auditions. I recall arriving at several castings for TV commercials, only to find myself competing against male models with chiselled features and six-pack abs. No amount of acting was going to overcome that comparison! Even when cast in a role, your portrayal is compared with those who have played that character before, and with your previous roles. The challenge, however, really begins when comparison moves into competition and rivalry.
This shift was particularly evident during my final term in acting school, where the dynamics between students shifted dramatically as we began our final showcase performances. With acting agents invited, it was inevitable that some of us would be offered professional representation before we graduated. This created an unhealthy sense of competition that hadn’t existed before. Now, if an actor became signed to an agent yet still had a good part in an upcoming play, open hostility broke out. “You don’t deserve that part when you already have an agent.” “You’re nothing special – why are they favouring you?” When fuelled by insecurity and envy in this way, comparison becomes an ugly force in which one person’s success is, often incorrectly, pitted against another’s. For some time afterwards, it made me wary of standing out or doing well for fear of becoming the target of such hostility. The paradox between wanting to succeed yet being hesitant to do well is a common feature of comparison.
Brené Brown describes comparison as, “the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other. It’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.” This is something I have also encountered with many of my clients in psychic and mediumship readings.
On occasions, spirit has communicated a tension between a client’s desire to share their gifts and expertise in new ways, and their fear of being judged harshly for no longer fitting the standard mould. A Reiki healer, for example, inspired to integrate other forms of healing into their practice, but concerned it may somehow jeopardise their credibility compared to other practitioners. Fear-based comparisons like this perpetuate a state of inner uncertainty, and even paralysis, that inhibits personal growth and attaining our true potential.
Whenever we feel the need to measure up to others in some way, be it in appearance, accomplishments, popularity, and so on, comparison can be deeply unnerving and undermining. Especially if our sense of self-worth is slightly fragile. It invites us into an ego state, related to our solar plexus chakra, where we see ourselves as either inferior or superior to others. Commonly associated behaviours include fabricating or exaggerating achievements, controlling situations or withdrawing from them, or diminishing others or ourselves. This need to measure up to others is encouraged all the time on social media.
If you're self-employed and active on social media, you’ve likely encountered countless people promoting their formulas for success, urging you to follow their lead. In this sea of professional advice, we’re bombarded with conflicting ideas – some tell us the only path to success is to create online courses, others insist on posting daily, investing in custom apps, focusing on building an email list, or signing up for their workshops and mentorship programs. These approaches are frequently accompanied by impressive claims of income, client numbers, books sold, and lives transformed—all of which can invite unfavourable comparisons that play on our insecurities. While they may offer valuable insights, helping us to identify areas for improvement, they are ultimately designed to make us feel as though we need their services to succeed, pushing us toward methods that might not even fit with who we truly are. In short, they often prompt unfavourable comparisons to drive business to them. However, comparison is not always detrimental and can serve as a powerful tool for growth as we will see in the following examples.
Comparison for Growth
Years ago, I recall my mediumship tutor advising us to think of a medium we admired and to aspire to be even better than them. The intention wasn’t for us to compete or see ourselves as less than them, but to use our admiration as a source of motivation to become the best medium we could be. In this way, comparison supports the enhancement of our abilities and propels us towards our unique potential.
We see this positive side of comparison play out in professional sports as well, particularly in tennis. Top players often compare their games, analysing each other's strategies and strengths, not only to outplay one another but also to improve their own performance. Despite fierce competition, many maintain strong friendships and mutual respect, showing that comparison and rivalry can coexist with personal growth and camaraderie. This serves as a reminder that comparison, when approached constructively, doesn’t have to divide, it can inspire. While rankings and winning titles may drive their competitive spirit, it is their love for the sport and their dedication to being the best versions of themselves that truly fuels their passion and perseverance. This distinction between simply striving to be the best and striving to be our best reveals an important difference in focus and motivation.
Let’s take a moment to consider the fundamental difference between striving to be the best and striving to be our best. The former focusses on outward comparison, measuring success by surpassing everyone and asserting superiority. It’s a label tied to external recognition, competition, and a desire to demonstrate our accomplishments are unmatched. On the other hand, striving to be our best centres on an internal challenge. We compare where we are with where we aspire to be, motivating us to dig deep and fulfil the potential we carry within. While the outcomes might be equally significant, our enjoyment of the journey will be different. As mediums, this inward journey becomes about serving the spirit world and our clients in the most profound way possible. Any success and recognition that follow are positive byproducts of the dedication, ethics and values we uphold – not the primary goal.
However, striving to be our best does not imply a lack of ambition or desire for material success. It simply means our source motivation and passion come from within, not from external comparisons where we simply compete with others. We are guided by our purpose – why we are inspired to do what we do- and driven to perform at the highest level possible. In this way, ambition and success align with our values, allowing us to grow authentically while pursuing excellence.
Even when I started training as a medium, comparison was never about competition; it was about mutual support, learning and growth. It’s why, as a mediumship tutor myself now, I advise my students against unhelpful comparisons with each other. It goes against the true nature of mediumship development, as spirit works first with our individual strengths – to build our trust in the process – before supporting us to expand upon them. Therefore, it’s unproductive for a student who has not yet developed clairaudience to compare themselves unfavourably to one who has. Far better they see clairaudience as an exciting future step on their mediumship journey. Comparison then becomes a positive indicator of what may lie ahead and allows us to celebrate each other’s abilities and successes – not feel inadequate because of them.
During a recent trip to the Rockies, I was reminded of another positive form of comparison. Surrounded by the majesty of the mountains, the glacial valleys and the canyons shaped over the millennia, I was struck by the humbling realisation of my own smallness in the grand scale of time and nature. The concerns and preoccupations I was carrying at the time were also diminished, bringing a sense of peace and liberation that was extremely stabilising.
When comparison evokes balance, admiration and aspiration, it can clarify our vision, purpose and direction. It makes our journey exciting and fulfilling, aligning us with our true selves. Conversely, when it fosters envy or frustration, it promotes division and undermines our sense of community and self-worth. What is it then that enables us to find a positive path through comparison?
Finding Our Path
Brené Brown suggests it is not the presence of comparison itself that is the problem, but how we choose to respond, think and behave when we encounter it. Do I allow my neighbour’s flourishing roses to become a source of frustration when mine are barely able to flower? Or do I choose to praise their success and be curious about how they nurtured such blooms?
Whenever comparison shows up in our lives, it’s crucial to recognise the feelings, thoughts or impulses it triggers. Is it stirring an old wound that tells us we’re not good enough? Or does it awaken a limiting belief that there isn’t enough joy and success to go around? What mindset or perspective are we being invited to adopt in response? When comparison leads us to revisit past insecurities and doubts, it presents an opportunity for healing. By addressing these wounds, we can reshape how we interpret similar situations in the future, empowering ourselves to respond in more constructive and positive ways.
Comparisons that consistently result in self-criticism, doubt, procrastination, or feelings of inadequacy do not reflect our true value or potential. Rather they are signposts, showing us where more of self-compassion, healing and encouragement are needed.
Listening to the heart-centred voice of our intuition when faced with comparison helps guide us forwards with clarity and purpose. Referring to an earlier example, imagine you see a video on social media promoting steps to success for those 'truly committed to achieving it', which naturally leads you to compare their achievements with your own. By tuning into your heart-centre, you can sense whether you feel this comparison offers you genuine opportunities for growth and learning, or whether it merely stirs up familiar insecurity about your own progress and ability.
Our intuitive guidance and emotional awareness is essential in these moments. It allows us to distinguish between the paths of comparison that either supports personal values and self-fulfilment, or that breeds insecurity, anxiety and stress.
Questions for Personal Reflection
How does comparison typically present itself in your life?
Is it inspiring you to grow, or inhibiting your progress?
What beliefs about self might need to change in order to liberate you from any negative impacts of comparison?
How best could you respond to comparison in future?
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